Sunday August 8th, 2010
I woke up to go attend mass with my sister & dad. We came home & had breakfast with our other siblings. My sister, Cathy, had taken me to my home to hang with the kitties & to do laundry. My big boy, Elston, was totally all over me, including in the bed. He hovered and finally situated himself by my right shoulder. I had to make sure he didn't accidentally access my portacath with his claws. The other 2 came & went but I did take a nap with 2 of them. We brought more things back to my dad's since I'm not using them ie. saran wrap, tinfoil, parchment paper.
Someone had written me and said that it seems I'm handling my situation pretty well, outwardly. I wrote him back telling him how it wasn't always this way. I wanted to inform you all how my journey had started. I'm warning you now, it's a LOOONG blog this time.
I started having this persistant pain in my right side under my rib cage, back in January. I didn't have nausea and if my bowels were "off" it'd only be for a day or two, but then it'd resolve and I would blame it on something I had eaten. My doctor drew labs checking liver & pancreas enzymes along with a bunch of other blood tests. They all would come back normal. Over the next few months he ruled out a hernia, gastritis, constipation, etc., he'd even recheck labs which still came back normal. However my pain was getting worse. My ER doctors were telling me to have him scan me or get some imaging done because this has been going on for too long. I was still very active, never jaundiced, eating well, etc..
Finally in May, he did a CT with oral prep only of the abdomen, which came back normal. He then scheduled an ultrasound, because now my abdomen started to protrude. That was May 19th, I knew something was up because the technician was asking me how long I had this problem & when I asked him what he saw, he told me to talk to my doctor. Hmmm. The next day, May 20th, my sweetie and I had spent a day in Milwaukee. I had called my doc's office after 1 pm, I was told that he'd call me back by the end of the day & that my results were in. Since I was told that my CT was normal & if there were any abnormalities, I hoped he would've said something right away, at least the doctors @ the VA notifiy patients as soon as they find out. We ended up going to the Miller Brewing Company & got our 3 free beers. On the way back to the parking lot, I had just missed my doc's call. I called back & the office was closed. I figured if it was important he would've said so to page him, it was just a message to call back during business hours by the clerk. So sweetie & I ended up going to an Irish restaurant, he got a flight of beers & I had a black & tan. Our dessert also had 3 types of alcohol in it.
Friday, May 21st, I had called the doc's office, he rotates being open every other Fri. & Sat. with his office hours. Of course it was closed but now I was determined to find out the results so I had him paged. He called back around 1pm and the first thing he said was, "Do you know a hepatologist? You have liver MASSES." If I would've known this YESTERDAY, I wouldn't have had all those alcoholic beverages. I called my dad, since he works @ UIC to see if he knew anyone. Then he said he'd have to look @ the directory when he got home. I texted a great UIC GI fellow who had worked with me in the VA's ER for the past several years, Dr. Jae Kim. He texted right back with the name, Dr. Jaime Berkes. He then told me how to make an appt. @ UIC and if I needed a sooner one to let him know, Jaime was sitting right next to him. It turns out that Jaime had also worked in the ER with me @ the VA about 6 years ago. I was severely upset with this news but I knew I had to do what I had to do to get to the bottom of this.
The next few weeks were filled with a very detailed MRI with IV contrast & more labs including a CA 19-9, the cancer marker. The MRI looked very ugly with necrotic areas in my liver, both lobes were affected and the CA 19-9 came back elevated which led to a liver biopsy the day my dad & I went back for the results. Things were not looking very good. I was admitted to UIC's 7 East and had the biopsy that day. When my dad & I got to the floor, I noticed a big picture of Walter Payton in his Bears uniform to the entrance of 7 West. I joked, "Maybe I'll be on that floor someday & my family will visit, they LOVE the Bears." I texted Jae and he came to see me. Since dad works in the pathology dept., he & Jae were able to coordinate specific samples so he could look @ them. We called our family & I asked my sister if she could get an overnight bag, my phone charger & toiletries for me. They were ruling out some other things like infection, lymphoma, etc., other things that are more treatable. Jae told me, "I'm not going to let anyone touch you if I don't think they know what they're doing." That reassured me.
Here I've been a nurse for going on 17 years. It was odd being on the opposite side of the gown, riding on the litter, getting the IV & labs done. I hadn't been hospitalized since I was born. I made it to the biopsy room and I didn't realize that they had already started giving the sedation through my IV because I kept talking, then I hear in the background, "Is that her? Is she still talking?" Next thing I know I blinked and when I opened my eyes, the procedure was over. I knew they did something because I had a bandage on my belly. I told a coworker about the sedation, she told me that her husband argued with the doctor because he was sedated so well that he didn't believe his colonoscopy was done and didn't want to pay for it. They monitored me for about an hour before sending me to my room. I had to lay still for the next 4 hours, I had to sit on a chux (boy those things are hot) and wear compression boots (those are hot too). They served dinner but I couldn't raise my head more than a few inches. Now I know how patients feel. UGH!
My dad had left and my friend, Joy, came to see me with my goddaughter. However, they wouldn't let my goddaughter up, they have age requirements. If I knew she was coming to visit I would've warned her but she had surprised me. Luckily the security guard watched her while Joy came up with a picture Maya had colored for me. I was so happy. Then Gabe & Lisa came by near the end of visiting hours, with some reading material. The nurse was kind & didn't boot them. I still was waiting for the 4 hours to be up so I could walk to the bathroom. I did not want to use the bedpan. When the time came, I unplugged my compression boots & hobbled over. Whew! The night was rough, mechanical beds are uncomfortable along with the hot chux & boots. The nurse said I could take them out. I know not to put a pt. on these things unless it's truly necessary. The next morning, the doctor's made their rounds then my friends Joe & Fred came to see me. Dad came later to retrieve me but didn't bring my toiletries or my phone charger. Doh! I had to shower with their disposable towels, which didn't work well with my hair.
We had to wait about a week for the biopsy results to come back. Our dad unfortunately got to see the results before I knew them. That week I tried to read his expressions & to get it out of him. He told me, "I'm just a member of the orchestra, you need to talk to your doctors, the conductors." He wasn't smiling & saying, "It's alright", and he wasn't crying. Then he said, it was an aggressive tumor & there were more tests that needed to be done. June 14th, was when we'd find out the results. I figured that if was bad news, how do you tell your own daughter. I was crying pretty much since mid-May when I heard, "liver masses". One day, while I walked into work, a veteran told me, "Keep your head up, baby." That's that positive vet attitude that I love.
Our sister, Jenny, dad, & Dr. Kim came to be me when I got the news. I had texted Jae earlier, "Should I bring a bottle of tequila?" Dr. Berkes looked serious and reminded me about the elevated CA 19-9 marker, and it was confirmed that I had cholangiocarcinoma, bile duct cancer, which is very rare and then told me that I'd have 6 months to live. It hit me all at once, "Did I just hear that?", "Why me?". Things seemed surreal, then I saw my sister & dad cry. We all hugged each other, including my 2 doctors. Then I thought, "I'm not ready to go anywhere, Marie hasn't started driving, I haven't seen the rest of the Harry Potter & Twilight series, I'm not ready to go anywhere in 6 months." Jae & Jaime left us alone. "How do we tell the family?" was my next thought. Jae returned and told me that he knows of other patients with the same diagnosis who have gotten a few years with chemo. Jaime came back & apologized for telling me 6 months and that he'd set me up with Dr. Mehta, the oncologist, who would see me that day @ 1pm. Dad, Jenny & I started notifying the family that we needed to meet tonight for important news. On the way to the cafeteria, we saw the Walter Payton #34 walk-a-thon shirts for his liver charity in the gift shop. I got one. We did see Dr. Mehta and he told us of the chemo meds and discussed the possibility of debulking the tumor as well. I told him that we'll get back to him ASAP, we need to discuss this with family. So much information in one day.
I had called Sweetie, & he came by so I could have someone to lean on while telling the family. As they started trickling in, some found out before others because dad was in the driveway informing them. My sister got on me, "I thought you'd tell them all @ once, how did they find out?" Then my one brother told me, "Why didn't you tell me earlier, I could've looked this up?" I told him, "When you get cancer, you can tell people how you want to. I want to tell them with hugs & kisses, & in person." Everyone has their way of dealing with this. :o)
The next day I invited my closest friends over to tell them. Dad's girlfriend came & the siblings who couldn't be there the day before came as well. I wore my Walter Payton shirt & some got an idea of what was coming. I found out later that this is the same cancer he had. When I told them that I wasn't ready to go anywhere because of the Harry Potter & Twilight films, our friend, Fred sad, "If that's all you're waiting for, you better off yourself now." Disbelief, anger, & sadness took over these past few days. I had also informed my boss and let her know that it was okay to inform the staff. That's when I started getting angry @ the cancer and at God, seeing how it hurt the ones I love.
The next day, Wed., I had to go to work. I had a revelation in the shower. Maybe this happened to me because my friend's brother who has the same diagnosis as me, if I can get my foot in the Mayo clinic door or access to a unique treatment, I can share this with him; if they can't cure me, if whatever they find with me, they can cure someone behind me; this brought a lot of people together & I hope these bonds continue if I should pass. I apologized to God too for being angry with him. When I left for work that day, the sun was shining and there were a lot of butterflies in my backyard, my neighbor had pointed it out to me. I went to work with my new attitude and shocked my coworkers: a) just by showing up and b) I was filled with energy, "No more crying for Jessica" and told them of my revelation. I also went to see my patients, they don't have one type of cancer, they have 3, plus diabetes, heart disease, liver disease and they've seen the worst of the worse, some beat addictions, & they're very strong people. One pt. told me that I impressed him, here I just learn that I have an incurable cancer and I was there taking care of him. He promised me he'd quit smoking, I hope he did.
I ended up having a CT with IV contrast of my ovaries to rule out that this cancer may stemmed from there, and it didn't. I called the Mayo clinic with the information to get a 2nd opinion and to see if there's any recent treatments for this. Anyone can call the Mayo clinic, you don't need a referral, just your diagnosis, labs, specimens & any copies of tests that were done. I was called that Friday to see the GI doctors that Monday. My boss was very understanding & gave me that Friday off to prepare. Jae helped my dad get most of my chart together. I had to get my MRI copy and that lady went above & beyond to help me get it that day. Paul was able to get tickets for himself, dad & I. Sunday, sweetie met me for lunch and came home with me to help me clean up a bit so I could finish packing. I think it really hit him when he saw my bags. He helped me load my stuff in my sister's car, he was on his motorcycle that day & we had hugged & kissed before she brought me to my dad's. We had celebrated our nephew's birthday & Father's Day with friends and family, then we headed off to the airport. On the way we heard, "Wind Beneath my Wings" by Bette Midler.
I had met a very nice lady on the little American Eagle plane which I've kept in touch with. She kept me sane on the plane while I kept her from puking. She gets motion sick and came from New York after doing a Sex & the City tour with some friends = hungover. The Mayo clinic was a nice experience. We gave them my chart & specimens, dad told them, "For once, I'm I hope I'm wrong." They just confirmed what UIC had already found out and that there were some treatments but they do them back in Chicago. They had also told us, "Even our most aggressive female surgeon won't touch you." and recommended chemo ASAP. Lovely, I told you my cancer was ugly. I did donate blood for research then we decided that we'll let's go back home.
That pretty much is my history of where I'm at today. We made that appt. with Dr. Mehta and Vera, my nurse practioner, to start my chemo and to get a portacath placed for easier access. I've decided that a positive attitude will help to heal quicker, prayer, love from family, friends and coworkers & humor will also get me through this too. Sadness will wear you out. It does creep in at times and frustrations but it's mostly when I'm knocked down from the chemo.
I told you this blog was long.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Party time
Saturday August 7th, 2010
The first stop was our friend's 40th SURPRISE party @ his house. He's the one who set up this blog. Thanks Ray. His wife used the excuse that it'd just be a family party for him & his nephew and if he could pick up his brother from Spanish class. It was funny, as the clock ticked closer to the time, she stalled him by getting plastic cups. Ray wondered why it took his brother 20 minutes to choose plastic cups @ the store. He did notice the curtains in the back room drawn but I believe he was surprised none-the-less. He had friends and relatives that he wasn't expecting and the smile on his face was priceless. Then he started analyzing the signs, "How did I miss this?" Go & enjoy the party. His wife had made a montage of pictures throughout his life, and @ the end of the montage, she showed our "Flat Rays" with words to live by. Welcome to the 40 plus club, Ray, it's not so bad, except for me.
The 2nd party was for my goddaughter & her cousin, turning 7 & 6 y/o, respectively. I had to stop @ home and catch a nap beforehand, my back was sore. We arrived in time to catch the movie, "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid", which they set up in the backyard & tied a sheet to the deck to watch it on the projector. They had a popcorn maker & all. Tons of kids having a great time and mosquitos too. I stayed inside, I'm anemic enough. It was great to see more family and some friends from high school also had made it out with their kids. I gave her gifts that I hope she'll cherish and remember me by. I gave her a Boba Fett toy, he was my favorite Star Wars character; a quilt that I think is a beautiful as she; and 2 books, one called "George and Martha", the 2 hippos are best friends, get into silly antics but they're always there for each other; and "Where the Sidewalk Ends". She was so excited when she saw that, she said it was one of her favorites. I'm happy that she has a joy of reading too. We were there 'til closing time, midnight, way past my bedtime, but I'm glad we stayed. I'm cherishing these moments, one day @ a time. Don't know if I'll ever catch up with my photos. :o)
The first stop was our friend's 40th SURPRISE party @ his house. He's the one who set up this blog. Thanks Ray. His wife used the excuse that it'd just be a family party for him & his nephew and if he could pick up his brother from Spanish class. It was funny, as the clock ticked closer to the time, she stalled him by getting plastic cups. Ray wondered why it took his brother 20 minutes to choose plastic cups @ the store. He did notice the curtains in the back room drawn but I believe he was surprised none-the-less. He had friends and relatives that he wasn't expecting and the smile on his face was priceless. Then he started analyzing the signs, "How did I miss this?" Go & enjoy the party. His wife had made a montage of pictures throughout his life, and @ the end of the montage, she showed our "Flat Rays" with words to live by. Welcome to the 40 plus club, Ray, it's not so bad, except for me.
The 2nd party was for my goddaughter & her cousin, turning 7 & 6 y/o, respectively. I had to stop @ home and catch a nap beforehand, my back was sore. We arrived in time to catch the movie, "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid", which they set up in the backyard & tied a sheet to the deck to watch it on the projector. They had a popcorn maker & all. Tons of kids having a great time and mosquitos too. I stayed inside, I'm anemic enough. It was great to see more family and some friends from high school also had made it out with their kids. I gave her gifts that I hope she'll cherish and remember me by. I gave her a Boba Fett toy, he was my favorite Star Wars character; a quilt that I think is a beautiful as she; and 2 books, one called "George and Martha", the 2 hippos are best friends, get into silly antics but they're always there for each other; and "Where the Sidewalk Ends". She was so excited when she saw that, she said it was one of her favorites. I'm happy that she has a joy of reading too. We were there 'til closing time, midnight, way past my bedtime, but I'm glad we stayed. I'm cherishing these moments, one day @ a time. Don't know if I'll ever catch up with my photos. :o)
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Mixed emotions
Friday August 6th, 2010
Today started out scary. Our dad left to go work out about 6:30 am. Our sister called at 8:30 am & stated that there was a car accident near the intersection of his workout area. I called his cell & he did not pick up. I started getting nervous and pulled out that puzzle. Our sister and niece reassured me that he's probably socializing and would be back soon. A few minutes later he came home. He said, "Oh, no, it was a shooting between the police and someone in a cadillac. You should see the bullet holes." He was told that he had just missed it by 10 minutes. Knowing that he was fine, it took a load off my mind.
Later, two of my buddies dropped by for a visit and we ended up eating @ I-HOP. One is known for his voracious appetite and both of them ordered the Hungry-Man's breakfast which consisted of, are you ready for this, a huge breaded steak with gravy, 2 or was it 3 eggs, any style, 3 pancakes and hashbrowns. Needless to say, the bottomless pit stopped mid hash browns and didn't touch the pancakes, he had met his match. Then he revealed that he had already eaten twice that day. It was only noon. When they dropped me off, I gave them big ol' hugs. It's so good to see great friends. Especially since it's harder for me to get out on my own to see them.
I got home, Marie and I worked on the puzzle some more, then her dad came by and added his 3 pieces to the puzzle. I told him how I wanted to put the names of the workers on the back of it when we finished. We finally completed it to find ONE piece missing. Maybe we can color it in. Maybe someone is hiding it so they can feel great to be the one to put in the last piece. It's kind of like being the first person to ruin the peanut butter. Of course we took pictures of it. It took about a week to build. What a challenge.
We ended up cleaning the house because our relatives were coming by. I took a quick nap. Our cousins arrived around dinner time. Our family cooked BBQ. It's amazing to see how their children grew and the characteristics that they have of each of their parents. The last time I saw them, the middle child was still in a stroller, now he'll be in the 4th grade. The baby was so cute, he reminded me of a Cabbage Patch Kid and the eldest, she'll be in 8th grade. It was so nice to see them, in person, after all these years. I've missed them because of work when they had visited before. Oh, it was so good to see them. It's always sad to say "goodbye" but not without our paparazzi session, long hugs and kisses and then more hugs and kisses.
Not too soon after that, another great friend, came by to catch a movie with me. I hadn't been to one since I started chemo, over a month ago. That vertigo still had me wavering so I warned her that I might have to grab onto her for support. We went to Movico (sp?) on River Road. It's a very nice theater and boy was it crowded. The movies we did want to see had already started but we ended up watching "The Kids Are Alright". We were two of the few people in the theater. It was a pretty good movie, not a remake of a remake. It had a good, original story line, with great actresses and my friend also liked the leading man. It was nice to see her again, it had been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. Her life had been a little hectic too but I'm glad we made time for each other. Another big hug & kiss given out today.
So even if the day started out hairy, all in all, it was a good day. Thank You God for making it happen. :o)
Today started out scary. Our dad left to go work out about 6:30 am. Our sister called at 8:30 am & stated that there was a car accident near the intersection of his workout area. I called his cell & he did not pick up. I started getting nervous and pulled out that puzzle. Our sister and niece reassured me that he's probably socializing and would be back soon. A few minutes later he came home. He said, "Oh, no, it was a shooting between the police and someone in a cadillac. You should see the bullet holes." He was told that he had just missed it by 10 minutes. Knowing that he was fine, it took a load off my mind.
Later, two of my buddies dropped by for a visit and we ended up eating @ I-HOP. One is known for his voracious appetite and both of them ordered the Hungry-Man's breakfast which consisted of, are you ready for this, a huge breaded steak with gravy, 2 or was it 3 eggs, any style, 3 pancakes and hashbrowns. Needless to say, the bottomless pit stopped mid hash browns and didn't touch the pancakes, he had met his match. Then he revealed that he had already eaten twice that day. It was only noon. When they dropped me off, I gave them big ol' hugs. It's so good to see great friends. Especially since it's harder for me to get out on my own to see them.
I got home, Marie and I worked on the puzzle some more, then her dad came by and added his 3 pieces to the puzzle. I told him how I wanted to put the names of the workers on the back of it when we finished. We finally completed it to find ONE piece missing. Maybe we can color it in. Maybe someone is hiding it so they can feel great to be the one to put in the last piece. It's kind of like being the first person to ruin the peanut butter. Of course we took pictures of it. It took about a week to build. What a challenge.
We ended up cleaning the house because our relatives were coming by. I took a quick nap. Our cousins arrived around dinner time. Our family cooked BBQ. It's amazing to see how their children grew and the characteristics that they have of each of their parents. The last time I saw them, the middle child was still in a stroller, now he'll be in the 4th grade. The baby was so cute, he reminded me of a Cabbage Patch Kid and the eldest, she'll be in 8th grade. It was so nice to see them, in person, after all these years. I've missed them because of work when they had visited before. Oh, it was so good to see them. It's always sad to say "goodbye" but not without our paparazzi session, long hugs and kisses and then more hugs and kisses.
Not too soon after that, another great friend, came by to catch a movie with me. I hadn't been to one since I started chemo, over a month ago. That vertigo still had me wavering so I warned her that I might have to grab onto her for support. We went to Movico (sp?) on River Road. It's a very nice theater and boy was it crowded. The movies we did want to see had already started but we ended up watching "The Kids Are Alright". We were two of the few people in the theater. It was a pretty good movie, not a remake of a remake. It had a good, original story line, with great actresses and my friend also liked the leading man. It was nice to see her again, it had been a couple of weeks since I last saw her. Her life had been a little hectic too but I'm glad we made time for each other. Another big hug & kiss given out today.
So even if the day started out hairy, all in all, it was a good day. Thank You God for making it happen. :o)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Puzzle addiction
Thursday August 5th, 2010
I dreamt of my T. Kincade puzzle lat night, puzzle pieces just floating past my eyes. I woke, "Okay, okay, I'll work on it." That's the first thing I did after eating breakfat. I took another break at 10 am to take Widdo Poopie, yes my high maintenance dog, back to the vet. His snout swelled up, AGAIN. I had tried a little Benadryl last night to see if it'd help but it didn't. My nephew came with me to the vet . I'm glad, it was hot outside and that little walk was enough to get me huffing and puffing. Thank goodness Widdo is only 5 lbs. We got more meds and after the 2nd dose of the antibiotics it seemed to have helped.
Going back to this puzzle, I had 3 more visitors yesterday and boy did they get hooked on it as well. We started getting excited as huge masses were placed together or you find that one piece that doesn't really look like it belongs there and sure enough it does. When my guests were leaving, it was hard to tear themselves away from it. Mother Hen One, one of the visitors, called saying she had lost her car keys, she even came back to look for them. I think it was a ruse to get back to working on the puzzle. No, she really did misplace them and the keys were found later, thank goodness, under the car. My plans for this puzzle, when I'm done with it is to laminate/glue/whatever it takes to keep it together, and to put the names of all those who helped with it, on the back. I took a break, my back was hurting. I went back to work on it later while watching Jersey Shore with my family. I was so tired by 10pm, that I fell asleep early. This puzzle really brought a lot of people together to work on it. It brought back some fun memories too. A nice bonding project. When our sister-in-law had dropped off her son earlier in the day, she told me that when they had left our house last night that they had stopped of @ KMart to pick up a 700 piece puzzle on the way home.
I'm glad that something so simple as a complicated puzzle can bring out so much happiness, frustration, excitement and memories amongst family and friends. :o)
I dreamt of my T. Kincade puzzle lat night, puzzle pieces just floating past my eyes. I woke, "Okay, okay, I'll work on it." That's the first thing I did after eating breakfat. I took another break at 10 am to take Widdo Poopie, yes my high maintenance dog, back to the vet. His snout swelled up, AGAIN. I had tried a little Benadryl last night to see if it'd help but it didn't. My nephew came with me to the vet . I'm glad, it was hot outside and that little walk was enough to get me huffing and puffing. Thank goodness Widdo is only 5 lbs. We got more meds and after the 2nd dose of the antibiotics it seemed to have helped.
Going back to this puzzle, I had 3 more visitors yesterday and boy did they get hooked on it as well. We started getting excited as huge masses were placed together or you find that one piece that doesn't really look like it belongs there and sure enough it does. When my guests were leaving, it was hard to tear themselves away from it. Mother Hen One, one of the visitors, called saying she had lost her car keys, she even came back to look for them. I think it was a ruse to get back to working on the puzzle. No, she really did misplace them and the keys were found later, thank goodness, under the car. My plans for this puzzle, when I'm done with it is to laminate/glue/whatever it takes to keep it together, and to put the names of all those who helped with it, on the back. I took a break, my back was hurting. I went back to work on it later while watching Jersey Shore with my family. I was so tired by 10pm, that I fell asleep early. This puzzle really brought a lot of people together to work on it. It brought back some fun memories too. A nice bonding project. When our sister-in-law had dropped off her son earlier in the day, she told me that when they had left our house last night that they had stopped of @ KMart to pick up a 700 piece puzzle on the way home.
I'm glad that something so simple as a complicated puzzle can bring out so much happiness, frustration, excitement and memories amongst family and friends. :o)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Ironing board
Wednesday August 4th, 2010 Happy 40th Birthday Ray! :o)
Today started off as an interesting day. Our sister could not retract the ironing board once it was set up. I tried too, no luck. We can't have that around the house especially with little dogs. I suggested that since I never really used my ironing board, instead of buying a new one, to go & get mine. I usually grab my clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer or if they're a little wrinkled, you just pop it in for about 10 more minutes and "Wah-la!" mostly wrinkle free! Lazy bum. I didn't even bother to think of what my ironing board cover was until we got there. It's a picture of a nicely shaped muscular man laying on a sheet with only the sheet specifically placed to cover his privates. It was a house-warming gift, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :o) Anyway, my poor dad had to carry it down the street back to the car. He carried it mostly covering the picture. No I did not take a picture of him carrying it. My neighbor wanted to see me, so I stopped by briefly.
We got back to his place and we were watching our nephew. I pulled out the 1,000 piece Kincade puzzle and my nephew & niece helped me work on it throughout his stay. Later that evening, his parents came by & helped as well. It's really coming together. My niece mentioned that she has a Jacob, from Twilight, puzzle. All the ladies want to work on that one, I think it's of his face only, not of those famous abs. Boo. My cousin gave me a kitties in Western wear puzzle for my birthday with 550 pieces. That one will keep me more sane, I hope. It's really nice working on something so simple with family. We used to build them more often when we were younger, why did we stop? I had brought some board games over too, Othello and 80's trivia, still in the plastic. I know some friends that used to have game nights up until they married & started having babies. That's how we used to stimulate our minds before the internet and it's on-line games. I started getting carpal tunnel in my right arm because of computer games, you don't get that from playing chess or Monopoly. When we're done with this puzzle, I'd like to glue it so it stays intact, it's a nice memory of working on it with loved ones.
I can't wait for Friday, our cousins will be visiting, one from Indiana and his brother & his family from Florida. It's been a few years since I've seen my Florida cousin and their children. They had a new addition since I last saw them.
I shared a few good laughs regarding my bloatedness with some friends but those stories will not make it to this blog unless they input it. I also had some time to speak with the birthday boy today. Too bad one can't give spankings over the phone. 40 of them. I'll have to ask his wife to kindly deliver them.
I wore one of the house dresses that I picked up yesterday, it fit perfectly and it even came with a pocket. My sister didn't really want me to buy it but after it was washed, it grew on her.
It was great seeing my sister-in-law. She with her multiple sclerosis and I with my cancer. We're both in continuous pain in different parts of our bodies; we both get numbness or our extremities feel heavy, hers due to illness, mine due to chemo affects; we both get foggy in the brain at times, due to our illnesses, meds and treatments; I'm jealous that she's able to drive and I was recommended not to. I get the pleasure of getting short of breath. Our medications make our sugars high. I told her that we will get through the rough patches of our illnesses together and that she's not alone in suffering. I said, "Maybe we're doing our purgatory now and later on in life we can have wheelchair races". Both of us have a lot of things we're going through but we're going to do our best to give it our all through our disease processes. Neither of us asked for this. How funny, we're both nurses. Is it something in the hospital air? Ah, still trying to find a reason. We have a big family that's supporting us and not to forget it. I thank God for them everyday.
Today started off as an interesting day. Our sister could not retract the ironing board once it was set up. I tried too, no luck. We can't have that around the house especially with little dogs. I suggested that since I never really used my ironing board, instead of buying a new one, to go & get mine. I usually grab my clothes as soon as they come out of the dryer or if they're a little wrinkled, you just pop it in for about 10 more minutes and "Wah-la!" mostly wrinkle free! Lazy bum. I didn't even bother to think of what my ironing board cover was until we got there. It's a picture of a nicely shaped muscular man laying on a sheet with only the sheet specifically placed to cover his privates. It was a house-warming gift, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :o) Anyway, my poor dad had to carry it down the street back to the car. He carried it mostly covering the picture. No I did not take a picture of him carrying it. My neighbor wanted to see me, so I stopped by briefly.
We got back to his place and we were watching our nephew. I pulled out the 1,000 piece Kincade puzzle and my nephew & niece helped me work on it throughout his stay. Later that evening, his parents came by & helped as well. It's really coming together. My niece mentioned that she has a Jacob, from Twilight, puzzle. All the ladies want to work on that one, I think it's of his face only, not of those famous abs. Boo. My cousin gave me a kitties in Western wear puzzle for my birthday with 550 pieces. That one will keep me more sane, I hope. It's really nice working on something so simple with family. We used to build them more often when we were younger, why did we stop? I had brought some board games over too, Othello and 80's trivia, still in the plastic. I know some friends that used to have game nights up until they married & started having babies. That's how we used to stimulate our minds before the internet and it's on-line games. I started getting carpal tunnel in my right arm because of computer games, you don't get that from playing chess or Monopoly. When we're done with this puzzle, I'd like to glue it so it stays intact, it's a nice memory of working on it with loved ones.
I can't wait for Friday, our cousins will be visiting, one from Indiana and his brother & his family from Florida. It's been a few years since I've seen my Florida cousin and their children. They had a new addition since I last saw them.
I shared a few good laughs regarding my bloatedness with some friends but those stories will not make it to this blog unless they input it. I also had some time to speak with the birthday boy today. Too bad one can't give spankings over the phone. 40 of them. I'll have to ask his wife to kindly deliver them.
I wore one of the house dresses that I picked up yesterday, it fit perfectly and it even came with a pocket. My sister didn't really want me to buy it but after it was washed, it grew on her.
It was great seeing my sister-in-law. She with her multiple sclerosis and I with my cancer. We're both in continuous pain in different parts of our bodies; we both get numbness or our extremities feel heavy, hers due to illness, mine due to chemo affects; we both get foggy in the brain at times, due to our illnesses, meds and treatments; I'm jealous that she's able to drive and I was recommended not to. I get the pleasure of getting short of breath. Our medications make our sugars high. I told her that we will get through the rough patches of our illnesses together and that she's not alone in suffering. I said, "Maybe we're doing our purgatory now and later on in life we can have wheelchair races". Both of us have a lot of things we're going through but we're going to do our best to give it our all through our disease processes. Neither of us asked for this. How funny, we're both nurses. Is it something in the hospital air? Ah, still trying to find a reason. We have a big family that's supporting us and not to forget it. I thank God for them everyday.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
New clothes
Tuesday August 3rd, 2010
My sister came and picked me up to get doggy supplies, visit my kitties and to get non-restricting clothes. We stopped @ the Salvation Army and I was able to find around 10 dresses for about $22.00 total. She was able to find a few tops herself. It's a risk to buy them without trying them on but after washing them, they all pretty much fit. Such a variety and we found some with cute designs. I'm kind of grateful that this is all happening during the summer, I'd hate to try & find clothes for our colder months. I'll have to deal with that when the time comes.
Our other sister had a lawn service come by and they really worked on my yard, they were wonderful. My neighbor told me that now the rats from the alley have nowhere to hide. If you live in Chicago, with alleys, there's a big chance that you've seen these critters dance up and down your alley too. I've called 311, so have my neighbors, but it won't do any good if all the neighbors won't participate and not overfill their garbage cans or pick up after themselves. I might have written before how I'd clean the lawns and the street in front of my home and my neighbors, and noticed how our lawns are alcoholics or drink iced tea. Why leave bottles & trash on other people's property? What about respecting your neighbor and the environment? We work hard to maintain our homes, trying to keep the area looking nice.
It was an emotional reunion with my 3 cats, yes I cried. They MEOWED my ears off but once I got them all together on the bed, the purring started. I can fall asleep to that lulling sound, and I did. We did wash the clothes we had purchased and a few of my pillows to take with. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better with some things familiar to me when I'm in a place not my own. Maybe it'll cut down on the chemo crankiness and cabin fever that crept in the other nights when I couldn't sleep well. ROAR! It's a lot going on, maybe we all need a support group to see how other families deal with cancer. My family has been great and as my strength comes back they're my inspiration to get up and move, get that blood circulating. Simple things as taking my dogs out since they reinforced the fence so no little dogs sneaks out again, which means less mess inside to clean up and everyone is happy. The dogs are happy too because they get rewarded with a treat and I get rewarded by getting fresh air and see my dad's beautiful garden.
Looking around my place I confided in my sister a few things that I want to go to certain people if and when my time comes. You look around and you see your life, what made you who you are, everything has meaning otherwise it wouldn't be there. You see the things that people gave you and then I remember, you can't take it with you. I had bought certain items for people already for their birthdays, I've always done that even though their birthday is more than 11 months away. Sometimes I can't find it when the time comes then it resurfaces afterwards. Figures. I told her that I want to package them with their names on it so if I'm not around to give it to them maybe she can and they'll know I'm always thinking of them. I know my Godchildren, some are too young to understand what's going on, but I have certain things for them that I hope they can remember me by.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding gloomy, I'm not all negative. I do have goals still but I just don't want my family to deal with EVERYTHING that come with dying. That alone is a big-assed burden. Please excuse my French. Maybe I should say, "Just in case the inevitable happens". I know I've touched many lives, you kind of want to leave your legacy. I know I'm not a rockstar, or maybe I could be. :o) My friend Ray had asked me something to that affect or is it effect? I told him that I am a simple person that's easily satisfied, especially with food. I've never really been materialistic, shoot I wear a $5.00 ring that I got in Mexico, it's risque and unique, plus we got a free shot of tequila with the purchase. What more could one ask for. I guess that's because when we were young, I lost my mom's ring that her mom gave her when she graduated from nursing school. I told my mom that it was too big for me. I had a squabble with a brother and it flew off my hand. I think my sister found it but it's misplaced somewhere. I never wanted to lose something precious again. I've been blessed with a great family and friends and coworkers who turned out to be both. I've stood up in several friend's and relative's weddings and I had that idea of whoever's wedding I stood up in had to wear that dress that they made me wear if & when I got married, before that movie came out with K. Heigl. I had been there for the births of 2 of my Godchildren. I've been lucky to travel to the German speaking countries, Mexico, Spain, the Philippines and around the U.S. I am grateful that I have experienced passion and love in my life. A beautiful sunset, a touching book, music, again tasty food, a beautiful flower or painting, a good play or movie make me happy. I grew up with nine siblings, at one point with 13 cats and 3 dogs, I've worn hand-me-downs and fought for bathroom time, with no privacy and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've touched many lives with the years I've been a nurse and the patients have touched mine. I've sang and danced, neither very well, but I enjoyed doing it. Just think of all your years so far on this earth, who you've met, through school, work and just socializing and where life has taken you, your travels, what you've learned, what you've accomplished, what you have seen, felt and heard and it's amazing.
My sister came and picked me up to get doggy supplies, visit my kitties and to get non-restricting clothes. We stopped @ the Salvation Army and I was able to find around 10 dresses for about $22.00 total. She was able to find a few tops herself. It's a risk to buy them without trying them on but after washing them, they all pretty much fit. Such a variety and we found some with cute designs. I'm kind of grateful that this is all happening during the summer, I'd hate to try & find clothes for our colder months. I'll have to deal with that when the time comes.
Our other sister had a lawn service come by and they really worked on my yard, they were wonderful. My neighbor told me that now the rats from the alley have nowhere to hide. If you live in Chicago, with alleys, there's a big chance that you've seen these critters dance up and down your alley too. I've called 311, so have my neighbors, but it won't do any good if all the neighbors won't participate and not overfill their garbage cans or pick up after themselves. I might have written before how I'd clean the lawns and the street in front of my home and my neighbors, and noticed how our lawns are alcoholics or drink iced tea. Why leave bottles & trash on other people's property? What about respecting your neighbor and the environment? We work hard to maintain our homes, trying to keep the area looking nice.
It was an emotional reunion with my 3 cats, yes I cried. They MEOWED my ears off but once I got them all together on the bed, the purring started. I can fall asleep to that lulling sound, and I did. We did wash the clothes we had purchased and a few of my pillows to take with. Maybe I'll be able to sleep better with some things familiar to me when I'm in a place not my own. Maybe it'll cut down on the chemo crankiness and cabin fever that crept in the other nights when I couldn't sleep well. ROAR! It's a lot going on, maybe we all need a support group to see how other families deal with cancer. My family has been great and as my strength comes back they're my inspiration to get up and move, get that blood circulating. Simple things as taking my dogs out since they reinforced the fence so no little dogs sneaks out again, which means less mess inside to clean up and everyone is happy. The dogs are happy too because they get rewarded with a treat and I get rewarded by getting fresh air and see my dad's beautiful garden.
Looking around my place I confided in my sister a few things that I want to go to certain people if and when my time comes. You look around and you see your life, what made you who you are, everything has meaning otherwise it wouldn't be there. You see the things that people gave you and then I remember, you can't take it with you. I had bought certain items for people already for their birthdays, I've always done that even though their birthday is more than 11 months away. Sometimes I can't find it when the time comes then it resurfaces afterwards. Figures. I told her that I want to package them with their names on it so if I'm not around to give it to them maybe she can and they'll know I'm always thinking of them. I know my Godchildren, some are too young to understand what's going on, but I have certain things for them that I hope they can remember me by.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding gloomy, I'm not all negative. I do have goals still but I just don't want my family to deal with EVERYTHING that come with dying. That alone is a big-assed burden. Please excuse my French. Maybe I should say, "Just in case the inevitable happens". I know I've touched many lives, you kind of want to leave your legacy. I know I'm not a rockstar, or maybe I could be. :o) My friend Ray had asked me something to that affect or is it effect? I told him that I am a simple person that's easily satisfied, especially with food. I've never really been materialistic, shoot I wear a $5.00 ring that I got in Mexico, it's risque and unique, plus we got a free shot of tequila with the purchase. What more could one ask for. I guess that's because when we were young, I lost my mom's ring that her mom gave her when she graduated from nursing school. I told my mom that it was too big for me. I had a squabble with a brother and it flew off my hand. I think my sister found it but it's misplaced somewhere. I never wanted to lose something precious again. I've been blessed with a great family and friends and coworkers who turned out to be both. I've stood up in several friend's and relative's weddings and I had that idea of whoever's wedding I stood up in had to wear that dress that they made me wear if & when I got married, before that movie came out with K. Heigl. I had been there for the births of 2 of my Godchildren. I've been lucky to travel to the German speaking countries, Mexico, Spain, the Philippines and around the U.S. I am grateful that I have experienced passion and love in my life. A beautiful sunset, a touching book, music, again tasty food, a beautiful flower or painting, a good play or movie make me happy. I grew up with nine siblings, at one point with 13 cats and 3 dogs, I've worn hand-me-downs and fought for bathroom time, with no privacy and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've touched many lives with the years I've been a nurse and the patients have touched mine. I've sang and danced, neither very well, but I enjoyed doing it. Just think of all your years so far on this earth, who you've met, through school, work and just socializing and where life has taken you, your travels, what you've learned, what you've accomplished, what you have seen, felt and heard and it's amazing.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Muu muus
Monday August 2nd, 2010
I had another very restless night and couldn't sleep. Was it: too much good food? Constipation (but things were moving slowly but surely)? Gas? The annoying ringing in my right ear wavering in & out throughout the night? The heat? My little hot dogs (Chi's) taking up the twin bed again? One of my many trips to empty my bladder in the middle of the night? The tumor putting pressure on my insides so I can't get comfortable and breathe easier? Was I hungry? My niece couldn't sleep either, I think we were competing for dark circles under our eyes today. Her excuse might have been the coffee she had with dinner. Mine is most nights.
I had another follow up appt. today for labs and possible chemo, the smaller dose of Gemzar, if the labs were decent. My vitals were better, no fever, but my heartrate was a little fast about 114 bpm at least it wasn't in the 120's. I had just walked across the lobby to the vitals room and I had no sleep so that only added to my woosiness. This is why I quit going to amusement parks, my own head spins for one reason or another and I've also ridden the elevators @ work, sometimes they're not up to par, and had gotten scary rides for free. My weight is still holding @ 144 lbs. My hemoglobin held @ 9.8 but my platelets dropped again. They decided to hold the chemo and recheck the labs again next week. This happened before and they bounced back up. I hope they do. I just have to be careful about potential bleeding risks.
While waiting in the lobby for a room to be seen in, I discussed with my sister, Cathy, how the elastic in my dress I was wearing, felt tight and was pressing on my bloated belly. I have a very loose black "sack" type dress @ home & it feels great with no restrictions but I can't wear it every day. We discussed how our mom wore muu muus and the way I was feeling at that moment in time, I thought "I'm up for that". I had found a Mrs. Roper style dress in my back closet one day. If you can't take it with you, might as well wear it now. Is it still stylish? Doesn't Nicole Richie wear that pattern? Cathy said that I can cut the elastic in some of my dresses, I'll let her do it, my luck the dress will fall apart. No wardrobe malfunctions for me. I'm not above wearing resale clothes, if it doesn't fit after washing it, you only spent 50 cents to a dollar on the item.
We made it home and I was lucky to catch a cat nap after snagging some lunch. Marie was watching our nephew. She finally saw "Student Bodies" last night with her mom. It's a bad but funny movie with horsehead bookends and the "breather". I think it had it's 30th anniversary. There's a part about a mom who had gone out for the night and being upset that the babysitter left the house a mess. As she kept finding the different messy areas, the mom complained, "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THIS, AND FOR 75 CENTS AN HOUR?!?". (Nowadays if you need a babysitter, you need to provide them with health benefits.) Needless to say, the babysitter was found dead and the mom, who the deceased had babysat for, gave the grieving mom the money her deceased daughter had earned, saying "This is what I owe her, @ 65 cents an hour..." Our niece had babysat, FOR FREE, like it used to be, the way things should be. She asked, "Why do you have to pay me for watching my cousin?"
Good values are still being instilled in our young. People helping others FOR FREE, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS WITHOUT ASKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN. What happened to that? That's what I've noticed a lot in society, "you owe me, I did this for you, what do I get in return?, I can't take you 'cuz you can't pay me." That's what I love about my dad's neighborhood, it's still a neighborhood. If you need something last minute, a babysitter, eggs, they're there for each other, you can rely on and trust each other. Shovelling the neighbor's snow, cutting their grass, checking on their homes when they're away or check on them when they're sick, helping them carry in the groceries, etc., there's still good out there, not just all that bad stuff that they show on t.v.
I have another date with the Tres Leches cake before trying to sleep tonight. I hope tonight is better than the past few nights. Maybe that's the cause of my woes, ah, it's worth it. :o)
I had another very restless night and couldn't sleep. Was it: too much good food? Constipation (but things were moving slowly but surely)? Gas? The annoying ringing in my right ear wavering in & out throughout the night? The heat? My little hot dogs (Chi's) taking up the twin bed again? One of my many trips to empty my bladder in the middle of the night? The tumor putting pressure on my insides so I can't get comfortable and breathe easier? Was I hungry? My niece couldn't sleep either, I think we were competing for dark circles under our eyes today. Her excuse might have been the coffee she had with dinner. Mine is most nights.
I had another follow up appt. today for labs and possible chemo, the smaller dose of Gemzar, if the labs were decent. My vitals were better, no fever, but my heartrate was a little fast about 114 bpm at least it wasn't in the 120's. I had just walked across the lobby to the vitals room and I had no sleep so that only added to my woosiness. This is why I quit going to amusement parks, my own head spins for one reason or another and I've also ridden the elevators @ work, sometimes they're not up to par, and had gotten scary rides for free. My weight is still holding @ 144 lbs. My hemoglobin held @ 9.8 but my platelets dropped again. They decided to hold the chemo and recheck the labs again next week. This happened before and they bounced back up. I hope they do. I just have to be careful about potential bleeding risks.
While waiting in the lobby for a room to be seen in, I discussed with my sister, Cathy, how the elastic in my dress I was wearing, felt tight and was pressing on my bloated belly. I have a very loose black "sack" type dress @ home & it feels great with no restrictions but I can't wear it every day. We discussed how our mom wore muu muus and the way I was feeling at that moment in time, I thought "I'm up for that". I had found a Mrs. Roper style dress in my back closet one day. If you can't take it with you, might as well wear it now. Is it still stylish? Doesn't Nicole Richie wear that pattern? Cathy said that I can cut the elastic in some of my dresses, I'll let her do it, my luck the dress will fall apart. No wardrobe malfunctions for me. I'm not above wearing resale clothes, if it doesn't fit after washing it, you only spent 50 cents to a dollar on the item.
We made it home and I was lucky to catch a cat nap after snagging some lunch. Marie was watching our nephew. She finally saw "Student Bodies" last night with her mom. It's a bad but funny movie with horsehead bookends and the "breather". I think it had it's 30th anniversary. There's a part about a mom who had gone out for the night and being upset that the babysitter left the house a mess. As she kept finding the different messy areas, the mom complained, "I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THIS, AND FOR 75 CENTS AN HOUR?!?". (Nowadays if you need a babysitter, you need to provide them with health benefits.) Needless to say, the babysitter was found dead and the mom, who the deceased had babysat for, gave the grieving mom the money her deceased daughter had earned, saying "This is what I owe her, @ 65 cents an hour..." Our niece had babysat, FOR FREE, like it used to be, the way things should be. She asked, "Why do you have to pay me for watching my cousin?"
Good values are still being instilled in our young. People helping others FOR FREE, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF THEIR HEARTS WITHOUT ASKING FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN. What happened to that? That's what I've noticed a lot in society, "you owe me, I did this for you, what do I get in return?, I can't take you 'cuz you can't pay me." That's what I love about my dad's neighborhood, it's still a neighborhood. If you need something last minute, a babysitter, eggs, they're there for each other, you can rely on and trust each other. Shovelling the neighbor's snow, cutting their grass, checking on their homes when they're away or check on them when they're sick, helping them carry in the groceries, etc., there's still good out there, not just all that bad stuff that they show on t.v.
I have another date with the Tres Leches cake before trying to sleep tonight. I hope tonight is better than the past few nights. Maybe that's the cause of my woes, ah, it's worth it. :o)
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